I’m always careful when it comes to being critical of the women in our Western cultures because it can lead some men to blame women for their unhappiness. I don’t believe you should ever give anyone else power over your happiness. Additionally, when you blame someone else it sends a message to your subconscious that you were a victim and that you are helpless to fix your unhappiness. Both conclusions would be wrong and unhealthy.
HOWEVER, it helps to identify what causes frustration and confusion in the dating scene. I subscribe to one of the American female dating coach’s Facebook pages so I can get her posts from time to time. This one was a gem because it so clearly illustrated some faulty thinking among some women.
Read her post below and then I’ll share with you the response I posted under it.
Actual Photo of the Dating Coach Who Wrote This Question
TO THE MEN.
Plenty of times you witnesses that women go a bit crazy. Tirades, Outbursts, Irrational Arguing Or Screaming at you, beating on you… All of this as a result to emotional pent-up to a situation.
How do you feel when you can’t solve her issues? And what happens when you realize that you don’t have to? That all that’s asked of you is your presence, your ears and your empathy?
Let’s take a very hard situation she’s in, and neither one of you can change it. Then what?
Will you man up or run?
Will you accept her with her challenges or run?
Will you hold her when she needs you, will you be there or will you run?
And what when she’s in major pain? Can you take it? Or will you feel your own insecurities?
I know, plenty of questions…. take your time…*smirks*”
Her post was designed to get responses from her Facebook Fans. The presumptions here were outrageous and I don’t think she even sees it. Aside from her obvious fears of abandonment, I offered a response based on the context of what she wrote.
This is my response:
There are two opposing philosophies in psychology regarding extreme emotional responses – sometimes seen as rage. The first is to never hold anything back so nothing builds up. I read one man’s quote who said, “Express yourself fully at all times – those who matter won’t mind and those who mind don’t matter”. The problem with this approach is that is has little regard for the wake of damaged people who endured the tirade; including those closest.
Obviously, bottling up emotion is recommended by no one.
The other thought is that of assessment. When you feel outrage, frustration, or disappointment it is always related to an unmet expectation. It can be as simple as an expectation that the car in the lane next to you would have stayed there and not cut you off, or as personal as expecting that a significant other would have remembered a special anniversary or event.
The healthy response is not to stop ourselves from feelings, but to help ourselves identify their sources and value. The source has to do with defining what our expectation was, how we got it, if it was put on us by someone else or it was our own expectation, and to think about the validity of the expectation. Not all expectations are valid or fair. If you expect your significant other to take you to the same restaurant where you met on your first date for your anniversary, but did nothing to communicate that expectation to them – you own your own disappoint and it was not fairly placed on your partner.
Your loved one is not your dumping ground for unloading today’s trash. Each partner needs to own their own emotions and the processes involved for processing them responsibly and with love and respect for those around them. Before you ask a friend or loved one to help you process extreme emotions, you should be clear with them about you are asking them to do and set up boundaries and expectations for them so they can be of help to you. It would go something like this, “Honey, I experienced a sense of betrayal today at work today and my heart is heavy and part of me is very angry. I would be grateful if I could talk it out with you so I could have a loving person as a sounding board, but I need to know how soon you might be able to give me a focused hour for this.”
If you can’t get calm enough, rational enough, or have processed the sources, then you need to get alone and find physical vents that will not harm anyone until you can. Go for a run – treadmill – fast walk. But do something physical to help vent the pent up adrenaline. Many people take no responsibility for their emotions and feel a sense of entitlement that those close to them should have to stop their world at any time demanded of them and take the verbal abuse without complaint – or they will be branded as uncaring.
It’s time for people to grow up, own up, and find healthy ways to deal with life that will strengthen them for the future and actually create greater bonds in their relationships in the process.
I’d love to hear your comments below.
Mark
Ooooy howdy, did you just find an article written by my ex ?
Look, if you are going to go all explosive and give me a ‘problem’ that needs solving – then I am going to solve it, or attempt to….. now when you get angry at me for trying to help or try to maximize your drama – (and yes, most of it was drama) I am going to treat you like the little boy that cried wolf.
I am not about holding some one that doesnt want help or affection, if all you are is unbounded, unsourced, unqualified anger because it is ‘Tuesday !’
I am going riding, or to the gym, or I will spend extra time at work.
If being with you is no fun, I am going to do it less, and less.
If there is no work to be done together, then I am not carrying your problems, and my own. I have done that, I am not ever doing it again.
If there is a solution to work out, then lets have at it already.
If you just want to mope, rage, and attack – meh You will quickly find my indifference is only surpassed by my apathy.
I grew up in an abusive home, and I am not one to get sucked into any violence, she wants to punch, kick and cry – she can abuse the walls. I am out.
The best part of this type of behavior is that they usually want you to guess why they are mad, or you should just instinctively know the source of it.
Better of single – women like this deserve a herd of kittens, a house full of cats.
Nice response Mark, perhaps i’m not as grown up you even though we’re the same age. I just don’t listen to this bullshit anymore. When it’s unavoidable, I just tell them to cut the crap. Frankly i’m well over being blamed for things out of my control and being blamed for choices a woman made on her own.
As for manning up, well sometime that means telling her to shut up. If she insists then maybe tell her to piss off out of your life.
I have all the time in the world for you darling but work with me, not against our relationship like a spoilt child.
My Ex was a psychologist specialising in relationships, (how funny is that) and I think you nailed it better than she ever could have Mark.
Richard
“Will you man up”
Maybe it’s just me, but I seem to only encounter this shaming-language phrase in situations where a woman I would categorize as “not yet mature enough for marriage” is trying to compel a man to marry her / commit to her, despite her foolish attitudes or choices.
Mark, I appreciate the obvious thought you routinely put into the various lectures and comments you post. A willingness to bring truth to the table, instead of my cultural conditioning, can frequently result in important, though culturally-unacceptable, realizations.
I would see the dating coach’s views as just a logical extension of the (foolish) views of feminism. One of these is “equal pay for equal work”. “Equal work” of course being decided by the person who wants the higher pay, whether their boss/company agrees they have earned it or not. In this case, the female thinks every woman should have a strongly committed boyfriend, regardless of whether the particular female he is with has the maturity to warrant such a commitment. And no, I do not mean a guy should toy with her heart; rather I admit that he should openly assess whether she has yet-demonstrated that she is the kind of woman with whom he would be wise to form a life-long commitment.
Happy wife-hunting, guys
There are a number of women I can name that would rationalize the kind of ill behavior she is condoning, yet they never realize that they are in return damaging the relationships around them, adding to their own future misery.
Let’s see…
For some of the questions in the post. Here’s what I would do to solve the problem.
Q. If she’s in a very hard situation and I can’t change it. What would I do?
A. If it’s for the better I would do everything with best of my abilities to attempt to change the situation. Since I am a believer of the fact that you can’t change the past. But you can change the future.
Q. Man up or run?
A. If my presence in the relationship is well treated and and care for. By all means I would man up for a woman.
Q. Will you accept her with her challenges?
A. Before accepting her challenges I would first find out am I willing to accept the possible outcomes. If I am ok with possible outcomes then Yes.
Q. Will you hold her when she needs you, will you be there or will you run?
A. (This one seems to be like a repeat question in a sense) I would like hold a Ukrainian woman one day and spend rest of life with her when the time and the person is the right one.
These are really good contents and questions to do a self assessment to see where you stand in your dating/marriage life or personal perspectives view on dating/marriage.
Just marry a Ukranian/Russian woman…..Simple
Mark, very well written it explains that you’ve had positive experiences now in how you are dealing with your current relationship because you BOTH are expressing your feelings and nothing is held back in assumption. Yes, this seems to happen quite a lot in relationships around here where they assume you are the punching bag or you are the person who should know exactly what she wats and is looking for – we need to leave the guessing games back in grade school not bring them into our relationships and I agree people need to find alternative avenues to drive their anger out – not bring it into a relationship or have a strong friend whom understands how you vent and whom you’ve also agreed to be a receiver as well when he/shee needs it as well.
Lots of good points. Curious how she responds to you without some psycho-babble BS.